After last week's post, you may be wondering whether I am asking the question of why the human race continues in spite of the psychological and physical pain associated with childbearing, I can only give a few nudges in the theological direction. Theological thinking is what my husband does for a living, after all, and I've thought about it quite a lot on my own, too. Love, mostly. Because that's what God is. Because men and women love each other and when they do, babies happen. Good things are worth doing even when they are hard. And people are good. (Trying to work myself out of the rut here, thanks for bearing with me).
But in fact, the 'it' I question here is the fact that I still have morning sickness. My morning sickness dissipated very early on with my other pregnancies, and I assumed this one would likewise take its unwelcome presence out of my home with similar timing. But it has not. I am concerned that it might be some terrible gastrointestinal infection to which I succumbed because of our family's double whammy stomach bug, and for which there is inevitably no approved treatment during pregnancy. (In truth, it bears telltale signs of ongoing morning sickness, arising when my blood sugar is falling or when I haven't eaten for a long time). The quiet voice which assures me that this is normal actually causes a new form of panic to rise to the surface, as I know several women who were vomiting well into their third trimester of pregnancy. HOW MUCH WORSE IS THIS GOING TO GET? (In truth, I have not yet vomited a single time, and have managed my daily affairs without much additional difficulty. For example, I modeled the solar system and calculated how many miles it would be to Neptune if you considered each 10,000 miles as 2-centimeter for your scale. The answer is 3.47). Perhaps I'm having a girl, which seems to be a dear hope of my sweet mother-in-law. The panicky thought-rut-voice has no response to that possibility, as I feel entirely (and I mean, entirely) neutral about that question. (Now the quiet voice is wondering whether it's perhaps not normal to be so neutral on the question of my next child's sex given that I have four boys. Perhaps there is something wrong with me after all...!).