Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Week 9

Full speed ahead! My pants are fitting a little tighter now, I haven't had any pain or cramping or bleeding or any kind of problem. It's starting to feel more like this one will "stick," even though I know I'm not technically out of miscarriage range. It's also just hard to believe that I will have a miscarriage, since I haven't even had a close call with any of my pregnancies so far.

But this week, for some reason, I am imagining all of things that could go wrong. I think about a woman I heard of who delivered her fourth baby stillborn at 37 weeks. I think of Saint Gianna Beretta Molla and Pamela Sternberg, both afflicted with cancerous tumors during their fourth pregnancies. I think of a friend of mine who lost two babies at 18 and 21 weeks gestation, respectively. I think of the countless parents I know whose children have been afflicted by disease and suffering from their very birth. I think of my own son, who has only one kidney, a rather minor defect which has made me reflect more deeply on the major problems that can occur with children before, during, and after pregnancy. God, it truly is amazing that everything ever goes right all at the time it's supposed to.

Mostly, I'm trying not to worry about it. Because after all, aside from take care of myself, what can I truly do? Some suggest that I should be allowed to kill the child in my womb if I found out he's sick or 'defective' or disabled or likely to experience a lot of pain in his life. But really? That's no way to live, taking out your fear of suffering and anxiety on other people. That's what I spend my entire day trying to get away from: the anxiety and fear that make me mad at my kids, mad at my husband, and suspicious of the whole world. Far better to embrace what difficult you have, and live the best way you can in response to it.

I wake up every day and pray that God will grant me courage to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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