Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Contemplating...

Hi from the long-lost me, Jenn. Sorry it's been so long, I think I've been in one of those, life-isn't-going-the-way-I-want-it-to-so-I'm-not-going-to-blog-about-it moods. :) I'm sure that I've mentioned before the hub's and my desire for more children, and because of the female quality of my person that desire has been a bit stronger for the last months than my male typified (reasoning) dearest husband. He's had a lot on his plate at work and just wasn't ready to have the discussion about adding on to the family when I was, which is reasonable for sure. He is after all the one who provides for our family and needs to feel like he is in a place where he can feed and parent another child.

Although, I must say that I am quite astonished that we have not welcomed a pregnancy in the last 2.5 years since Audrey's birth, we do not use hormonal birth control and wow, are we really that responsible? I guess we are. ;) All that is to say, we are contemplating growing our family these days. I'm extraordinarily excited about this and wondering since we haven't done this in 3 years or ever in this town what to do next!

We just got new insurance, which I felt very silly complaining to Beth about when she lost her's the next day. :( Our new insurance does not cover my beloved endo and I had to cancel my appointment with him just this past Monday. Only to find out that the only endo our new insurance does cover in town has a 3 month waiting list.

Well, with the possibility of pregnancy, I want to know where I'm at with the "dia-beets" and I'm not so keen on the idea of waiting 3 months to find out. I did interview the midwives in town a few months ago and still am hoping to have them work with me for the birth if we do get pregnant, however, I want to also find a perinatologist to manage the diabetes during pregnancy. So I'm thinking, I'm going to try and get in for my first ever "pre-pregnancy" diabetes meeting with a maternal-fetal specialist. The midwives work closely with one doc in particular here, so I'm thinking she must be decent as far as interventions go or they would have chosen someone else. Thankfully, our new insurance covers her and I'm hopeful that she will not have a 3 month wait when I call tomorrow :)

I feel a bit hypocritical going for such an appointment after this comment, and must admit my fault and regret over this passionate statement. I still believe that specialists make decisions based on fear of what might happen rather than the reality of what-is with diabetic women and know that I will have to hold my ground through another pregnancy, Lord willing to grant me this gift. However, I've also learned that the doctors are good at managing my diabetes and holding me accountable. A good thing for baby and something I want. I remember that feeling of I have to do everything I can to make this pregnancy as normal as possible by perfecting my blood sugar control to avoid complications and to ensure the best chance at a normal delivery.

I'm scared, though. I have two beautiful and currently healthy children. Am I crazy to do this again, what are the chances I could be successful? How much harder will it be to take care of myself with two toddlers running around? Do women get births as wonderful as Audrey's twice or am I pushing my luck? What if I can't get pregnant this time? (although that wasn't an issue AT ALL the first two times, what if I've changed?) What if I do have a miscarriage, even if it has nothing to do with my diabetes, will I ever really believe that? I'm older now, and certainly much wiser, than the 23 year old who had a surprise pregnancy and willed her way through it. I've lived through friends pain and loss over pregnancy and children now. I've lived through the lives of my own two kids and realized how much of a responsibility it is to care for and train up another human being. Am I really ready for this?

As I typed that last question an involuntary smile spread over my face because I know the answer to that question. Yes, yes, I am ready. And to the others, thankfully, like Beth, I trust in the grace and plan of the Lord for the rest. Knowing His sovereignty means I can live through the rest of those questions even if the answer isn't what I was expecting. The desire for a child is a GOOD thing. Even for me, even though I have diabetes. It means I have to put on my big girl panties and man up to the huge responsibility of my diabetes while it is affecting the miraculous formation of another human being, but this is a responsibility the Lord knew I could manage. I do covet your prayers as my husband and I contemplate this decision which is why I am writing today. Lord willing, I will have more to write about in the coming months, Jenn.

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